As a coach I am often asked what I do. Here's how I answer them.
"This is about what you want to do. Is there anything in your life that you have wanted to do but you're too scared to try it?"
I have yet to meet a person who says no...so when they say yes we talk about that..."Why aren't you? What's stopping you? How said you couldn't?" If you died tomorrow what would you regret? Don't live a life of regrets....of fearing those great friends "but" and "should." Coaching does that...it lets you live a fearless life. That doesn't mean you won't face fear on the contrary, there will be many fears you will have to confront. It also doesn't mean that, from here on in, your life will be one free of fear. Sometimes fear is necessary. It's a necessary reaction to some situations..there is a place for it. But, it should not hold you back from living your full life....from being your best SELF.

The Toronto Star did a series of articles this summer on the benefits, or not, of coaching. They followed several people for eight weeks and published the discussions on a weekly basis. Today they published a follow up article to see whether or not the participants found value in their coaching and if they had stayed on course.
This is an excerpt from that article.

Get A Lifers now have one

Seven contestants still give it their all and find it takes hard work and humour to turn their lives around in six months
JUDY STEED from the Toronto Star October 13, 2005.
Excerpts from the article...

It's been a tumultuous summer for the Star's Get A Life challengers - Seven people selected from hundreds of applicants for a two-month experiment in "life coaching."
Designed to kick-start major changes in their lives, guided by weekly sessions with life coaches, paid for by the Star, the challenge started on February 11 and wrapped up eight weeks later. It focused on how we get stuck and unstuck in common human problems.
We promised to return six months later, to see how our brave Lifers carried on, armed with their new-found skills.

Remember our cast of characters?

Our challengers were motivated. They'd convinced us that, more than anything, they wanted to make the changes they'd defined.
We wanted to see if eight weeks of life coaching could spark a shift they ardently desired. How did they do?

Ellen feels that Susannah's "magical organization skills" have helped her shed "a heavy judgment" about the clutter. So confident is Ellen, in fact, that she's looking for love and quoting Goethe: "Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back ... Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now."

On Saturday, Sept. 24, as Hurricane Rita pounded Texas and Louisiana, Mike's mother and her husband picked up Mike and his cat Limoges and set off to drive to Florida. Mike was elated.
The life coaching process helped him "get out of the rut," he says. "With Garry (Schleifer), I learned how to take steps to make a decision. This is my decision."

By October, was Cynthia maintaining her healthy fitness habits? Staying relaxed? "Arrgh. September is crazy at school. I haven't made it on to the elliptical consistently, but I've lost seven pounds and I've made a vow not to eat the principal's jujubes
"Day-to-day, I find myself doing things with ease without realizing until later, things I couldn't have done before. I'll say no or stick up for my opinion. I don't beat around the bush, I make decisions at
work ..."

Sandra stayed in touch with her life coach, Patricia Muir, by email once a week, and talked to her once a month, for free. "It helped keep me on track. It's easy to backslide.
One thing Amanda learned: As much as she wanted to be chosen for the Get A Life challenge, she felt terribly exposed seeing herself in the newspaper. "I feel like that person is not me anymore, I've come so far."

Living a fearful life?

The antidote? "If you're serious about self-improvement you need regular `vaccinations' or check-ins, whether it's AA or Weight Watchers or talking to a life coach."
We'll give the last word to Mike, who sent this email just before his departure for Florida:
"The `Get a Life' experience has been so fulfilling and rewarding thanks to the support and encouragement I've been given, the research skills I've developed, the alternative ways of thinking I've been shown, the input from Garry (the positive stuff, that is!).

What are some of your goals?
Anybody else work with a coach?
How do you stay motivated?

Living la vida fearless,
Jan

The weather in this region is still wet and soggy. So, I am going through my books and other reading material to catch up. One of my newest favourites is Failing Forward by John C. Maxwell. The concept is that it's ok to fail as long as you learn a lesson from it. Cheryl Richardson is always a favourite as well. I have just finished the Alchemist, a simple read, but good lessons and, of course, The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, is also an easy, Jonathon Livingston Seagull sort of read. The Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman. One book that I am in is called the Courage to Succeed which can be found online at Company of Women.The book includes stories from 33 successful business women who have overcome great odds to continue moving forward. I am also included in the last issue of the great work,life,passion magazine Worthwhile. The one with Stedman Graham on the cover. What are some of your favourites? What is on your must read list and what is on your have to read list and what is on your I think I might list? Time to settle into reading now that our summer is waning. So, here's another thought on the topic of settling in...Does anybody play board games anymore? One of my favourites used to be Balderdash..big surprise for a writer like me...Scrabble and Monopoly too. Classic favourites. I was always the one to have the luck of landing on Park Place...after someone else owned it and had 20 houses on it! I'm a small real estate investor now so I must have learned something from the ordeal...Another old favourite was cards. In this day of technological toys and gadgets does anybody do such things anymore? Euchre and crib were my games. My kids were amazing at Concentration. Beat me hands down every single time...I know poker has taken on a new status but I wonder how long that "reality tv" concept will work with a card game...Your thoughts folks? Living la vida fearless, Jan

As I sit at my desk today and look out the beautiful picture window I see grey. The sky is cloudy and it is drizzling. Typical fall weather in southern Ontario.
When the sun is shining on this same view the scenery is spectacular. Golds and greens and crimson. Bright yellow mums stretch their petals toward the sky for one last breath of warm air.
I find this foggy weather uninspiring and it got me thinking.
How do you get inspiration when you don't feel inspired?
And so I pondered....and while I did that I went for a walk..and then I picked up my guitar to play a few songs....and then I sang for a few minutes...and then I had a conversation with my son....and then I sat with my cat and my dog just to be present for a few minutes.
And so the time came for me to sit and write and it had occured to me that I was suddenly feeling inspired again. What had changed? The weather was still cloudy and misty: in fact it was raining a little harder by now. The trees were still shrouded in fog. The colours were still muted and shaded.
What had changed was my perspective. I had allowed mySELF to be present in the moment of being uninspired. I was just being and feeling how that felt. In other times I would have become frustrated and agitated but not this time. I have been working on being present. On being in the moment. On staying with the messes as well as the successes.
Coaching is all about staying with the mess when it is time to do so. Moving on can't happen unless you work through the mess. Feel the feelings, accept what they are, choose to live them and then choose to make a change.
I was feeling pretty uninspired two hours ago. Sitting with it, playing music with it, talking with it...instead of running from it...has caused a shift in my perspective.
No writer's block for me this time.
I worked through the fear of not knowing what to expect.I chose to face that fear rather than run from it. You can too!
How do you get inspired?
What do you do when you feel blue or melancholy?
Do you face it or do you run from it?
Learn to be present with it and I promise you, you will experience a change in your experience too.
Living la vida fearless, Jan

Yesterday was a day to share giving thanks with my husband's family. It is a tradition that started after my mother in law passed away and my father in law returned to his home town in Belfast, Ireland for much of the year. Old traditions die and new traditions begin and some get carried over to the next generation.
So we spent some time together. Hearing stories, from all the brothers and one sister, of growing up in Ireland...Five children, five perspectives. One made it sound like they had been neighbours with the McCourt family of "Angela's Ashes" another had only good things to remember.
Then it was time to go. My husband and I were going a little further north to my parent's country cottage. We were planning on having a bon fire, watching the brilliance of the stars on such a clear evening and waking up to the sun shining on the glimmering trees.
However, first we had to get there. We had been many times but this was a new route for us. A map in hand and memories at the ready we set off for our 45 minute trip to the cottage.
90 minutes later, after I had asked a couple of times if we were on the right road, my husband finally asked if we were on the right road. A map was consulted, a quick u turn and back we went from whence we had come. Another 60 minutes later we were still following our intuition and the stars instead of the handy map in my lap.
Explorers we are not. I know we weren't far from where we wanted to go...if we could only ask for directions. At one in the morning there weren't a lot of people around to ask so...home we headed.
When I finally made it to bed last night four hours after setting out from my brother in law's house I wondered what had exactly happened to have created the confusion.
Here's what I have discovered...I am sure I will uncover more as I ponder today...
We had a map. We didn't look at it initially because my husband knew the right directions. We took the wrong cutoff. I spoke up, but not too loud because I didn't want to question my husband's knowledge of his directions. We finally looked at a map but we didn't study it so we still continued to be lost. Just as we were reaching our destination the going got tough. We were tired, antsy and road weary...so, instead of toughing it out for a few more minutes we packed it in and headed back to safe waters. Not very fearless I am afraid.
This trip was much like life in many ways...If you don't have a map you wont 'get too far. If you do have a map, study it or you'll spend all your time going around in circles. If you have an opinion speak your truth. You may be right, you may be wrong...be something but silent...until the time for silence is also right.
Finally, instead of taking the time to finish the journey along new roads, we went for the safety of what always was. Of what was comfortable...In doing so we missed the brilliance of the stars, the smell of a roaring fire reaching toward those stars, the sun shining on leaves painted with colours reserved only for fall.
Next time we plan ahead: at least then if we are lost we will have been better prepared for the results. It's ok to be lost as long as you are ready to be stuck in the feelings of it...to relish in the confusion and the unknowing of it all....
What have I learned from this?
Listen to myself louder, study the maps, ask questions: even the experts can be wrong, speak your truth with honesty and integrity and finally, learn to navigate by using the stars like the explorers did! Finally, I learned, once again, that learning to live fearless takes courage and practise and truth.
Living la vida fearless,
Jan

She knew in her heart that this was the wrong thing to do. She could feel it down to the core of her soul. But...they were there...so many "Buts" and "Shoulds." So, she didn't listen to herSELF. She put on the beautiful white dress and her happy face and prepared to walk down the aisle. The wedding march played loud and clear. It sounded like a death march to her even then...so many years ago
Those friends "But" and "Should" would be with her for a long time. They were there the first time he hit her...I Should leave him But what would people think? I Should tell somebody But it would be embarassing to my family. I Should stop it But I know it won't happen again. Some friends aren't worth keeping. Some friends don't know when it's time to leave the party. But and Should were two such friends. They stayed for many, many years.
Children and work and taking care of a house...not a home but a house. All this time But and Should stayed around. Her other friends, her true friends, wondered what was going on. Why was she staying? What was she afraid of? Who was she afraid of? Him or herSELF?
It is difficult to understand why somebody stays with an abusive partner. Fear is usually the answer. Fear of not being able to manage alone. Fear of being poor. Fear of what people might think. Fear of looking like a failure. Fear that has been perpetuated for so many years by a partner who lauds their power over the fearless one like a cowardly lion. In truth it is the perpetrator that is the fearful one. .. stalking and striking control over another person. It's not normal, it' s not natural and yet, sadly, it is prevalent and common.
Finally the last straw. Something just snapped and she had had enough. It was time to face this fearful person. It was time to face her own fears. She had been to counseling and she had good friends. She was terrified but she knew that a change needed to happen. So, she confronted him. She spoke her truth. She spoke her wisdom and she spoke with honesty. She was also smart enough to have the backing of a court order just in case he didn't agree with her and decided to stay on.
He didn't. The fear of repercussion was strong for many years. Would he come back and harm her? Would he take the children? What was he capable of?
In the end the only thing he got was the money. It was a lot to lose but not really. She had gained her freedom. She had gained her power back. She was no longer fearless. She had begun living la vida fearless.
You may see her now. You'd never know it was the same person. The smile on her face. The relaxed muscles as she walks by. The laughter that fills the air as she shares a story with a friend. The memories still to come of her with her children in a safe, comfortable place. All because she chose to face her fears.
Abuse takes many forms. We often don't know who it affects. What we do know is that it causes fear in the heart and the soul. Choosing to change that pattern is courageous, brave and brilliant.
To all you brave warriors my blessings....Live la vida fearless every hour of every day.
Living la vida fearless.

Jan

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